As I made my way through the bustling city this morning, trying to navigate through the masses, thinking only of my first cup of coffee, I was hit, hit by the news. Just as I turned the corner, succesfully passing a waddling, fat man, and just about to enter the store to get my black gold, I was stopped dead in my tracks.

I went over to the newspaper dispenser, frantically opened it’s forward hatch, and screamed to the heavens as I read, for the fifth time this week “Local Satanic Sex Cult, Although Featuring Many Hot Latinas, Claims Yet Another Gruesome Sacrafice”.

This city needs a savior

Or, at least some good porn